Mountains Out of Molehills

Aha! You thought that I had given up on this project, didn't you? Well, surprise! You were right, almost. College life is busy, and I am struggling to keep up with it all. But today I need to write. Mostly because I can't fit my feelings into a facebook status, and really, who would read that? At least here, it' s a little more private, a little more me. My thoughts need room to breathe, and the interweb has plenty of that. So here we go....again.

Today, I got the final grade back on an English paper. Now, that sounds pretty boring, I know, but let me explain. This paper was about me. Not the trivial things like my favorite color or what particular brand of cereal I absolutely despise. (That would be Corn Pops, by the way. Sugary popcorn in milk just doesn't appeal to me for some reason.) No, this paper was about the most difficult time in my life. I used to be a drug addict. As much as some people would like to deny that, it happened. I abused prescription drugs and spent a year and a half trying to get over it. That included withdrawals, depression, self- harm....and attempted suicide. I sat in a room with a blade against my wrist for hours wondering what it would feel like to  stop existing. Luckily, I am far too much of a coward to go through with anything like that. But the thought was there.
Not like when you have a bad day and wonder why you even want to go on, and then a few days later you're back to your normal self. No. I spent nearly every day trying to convince myself why suicide wasn't a good plan, and then the other days I was convincing myself that suicide was the ONLY plan. And nobody knew it. I got very good at pretending to be happy. Pretending that I cared.
 I should also mention: during the first few months of going cold turkey off the pills, I had no contact, really, with the outside world. The only place I went was church, and my parents made sure that what I had done was very public. Everyone knew about it. So I was pretty much left alone, aside from a few curious glances and whispers. I felt like a pariah. All of my supposed friends found other people who were better. Who knew their place and  were actually good people.
 My point is that I know excruciatingly well what it feels like to be left out. I know how much it hurts. And I'm sick and tired of people telling me that exclusion is okay, even right. Some people are dangerous, to be sure. I wouldn't  go and hang out with a serial killer. But sometimes good people are found in places you would never look. Sometimes the girl in with short black hair and a pound of make up really just needs a good friend to help her realize her inner redheaded tomboy. Ha.
But making that change doesn't happen overnight. Like I said, it took me a good eighteen months to get to where I am now. And I still have to fight, every day, to prove that I'm not the person that I used to be. And even though I fight, it still isn't good enough. Some people still see me as the girl in black and steer clear. I feel sorry for them. I can't change their minds, I know, but I sure can change mine. I'm not the type to judge. Your opinions are your own and I respect them. Just as long as you don't try to make them my opinions too.
Here comes the rant, so prepare yourself.

There are a few things you should know about me.
1. I am a Mormon. I believe in God and I believe in Jesus Christ. I love them. I'm not perfect though, and I don't live my religion perfectly. And that's okay. I'm trying, and learning. I do NOT live my life with blind faith, and I will not. I have to learn things on my own, in my own way, and at my own pace. All the preaching  in the world will never change that. I love being Mormon, but sometimes I feel like I have a different opinion on what that means than some people do. To me, it means respect, patience, and above all love for every single person, no matter what they believe in. I do not think that we should instantly reject ideas that are new or unfamiliar, nontraditional, or different. To me, our ultimate goal as humans is to become like God. God never gives up on anyone, never stops loving them, never shuts them out. I will not be naive enough to do so.
2. I am not, nor have I ever been, "normal". I have no desire to be just like everyone else. I don't need other people to make me feel special. I know who I am and I love it. ( The drug addict me would never believe that I could be saying these words, but times change.) I am a girl, and yes, I watch anime, and play video games, and list Star Wars as one of my favorite movies of all time, and could list nearly every superhero and his (or her) arch nemesis without batting an eye. I would rather watch an action movie than anything associated with Nicholas Sparks, and just because I'm wearing a dress doesn't mean that I won't jump in a mud puddle. I love vinyl records, and the rain, and I am not ashamed of who I am so please stop trying to convince me that I should be. I have faults, but I don't let them define me.
3. This is the really important one. I don't give up. I am stubborn. If you are important to me, I am loyal and will be there for you no matter what. I will give you my entire life if that is what it takes to help you. I don't ever give up on people, because so many people gave up on me.

I don't expect that you're actually still reading this, so this next part is mostly for future reference. You can't let fear stop you. It's hard, and it's especially difficult when you have no control over what you're afraid of. But don't let that keep you from being optimistic. There is an old quote that says something along the lines of, "If you expect the worst, it will happen, and vice versa." Where did optimism disappear to in this world? Yes, bad, terrible, horrible things could happen. But so could miracles. So could fantastic, amazing beautiful things. Sometimes we find these things in the places we least expect. Sometimes something that looks scary or risky turns out to be a blessing in disguise. You only have to be patient and take the chance.