Editing: it sucks. I didn't mean to hurt anyone by my last post. I really didn't even expect anyone to read it. Honestly, I know exactly how many people actually look at this thing, and I can count them on one hand. Also, one of them is my boyfriend, so that doesn't even count. But anyways, that's not really the point. The point is that last time I wrote I said some things that I shouldn't have. I was frustrated and upset and I needed to give myself a pep talk. My intent was to show myself that I had changed, not to make others look bad. I love my parents. I do. My mom is my idol; I love her and respect her and I want to be like her. My dad and I are already too much alike; sometimes our mutual stubbornness gets in the way of trying to communicate. Even so, my dad is a good man. There are qualities that I have seen in him that my future husband wouldn't be able to get away with not having. When I said they made sure what I had done was public, I meant that everyone knew that I was being punished, that I was "grounded". Considering the way I acted, obviously people put two and two together. Or something. All I knew was that no one wanted to be around me anymore. They knew I had done something, something serious, and therefore I was a liability. They didn't want to get involved in whatever I was. Look, I don't even know that for sure; you can deny it if you wish, and I will believe you. All I know is that I was alone, and I blamed myself for it. That's what led to everything else that I have already mentioned. I never blamed my parents, because it was always my fault. If I ever hated anyone, it was just a projection of how I felt about myself. I couldn't stand myself. I would have given anything to get out of my own head, and I almost did. I am sorry if my words didn't come across that way.
Honestly I'm still figuring out who I am. Life is hard. Being a grown up is not the shining freedom that it appears to be to a child. It comes with a lot of tears and a lot of decision making and a lot of failure. Or maybe that's just me. Things that used to be easy for me are now much much harder. School was always supposed to be my forte, what I was good at; I was never athletic, coordinated, I didn't grow up rich. I don't even have a driver's license. But I'm smart, even though college makes me feel very stupid sometimes. There's so much I don't know. I didn't grow up living and breathing music. I've had to start from the bottom, and fight and fight and fight every second until I'm exhausted and out of breath and beaten.
I spend hours of my life in a practice room, learning how to sing in various languages on pitch and with proper breath support and accurate rhythm and energy and stay in character and maintain posture and hope, HOPE, you evoke some emotion in your audience because, oh, yeah, you have to do all this in front of people. I spend some more time in a practice room learning to sight read and write chord progressions and inversions and melodies, making it all sound pretty and clean when just a few weeks ago I was struggling with the circle of fifths, and can we please go back to that? I'm learning diction, English diction, because it's incredibly complicated and yet so simple to sing words correctly, you're not just singing the words, you're singing each individual letter sound and then they make a word together, like a lovely little family of language. I have concerts I'm required to go to, papers to write, notes to memorize, and project after project after project. I barely have time to sleep. And I could still be doing more, learning more, giving more. But I love music, and I'm determined to be a music therapist, and help people, because that's all I've ever wanted to do. I just want to give and give and give of myself until there's nothing left. I admit that I am selfish more than I should be. But deep down all I want is to contribute at least something.
Last but not least. I'm tired. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I am a creature of emotion; I feel so much so often,and I don't know how to not be that way. I don't want to change. It's hard sometimes, but it's what makes me compassionate, empathetic, and plainly, human. I don't see it as a bad thing, and I never will, I hope. Sometimes I wish I could satisfy myself with feeling nothing, with not caring, with not being stubborn and just giving in and becoming Ophelia. But I've tried that, I've tried it many times, and I'm never happy at the end of it. I need to be myself. I sometimes disappoint people. Okay, more than sometimes. Sometimes I surprise people too, which is kind of fun. My point is that I'm young, and I'm working on it, and you just have to be patient with me. Watch and see what I become. It may not be what you expected, but then, it probably won't be exactly what I expected either. Let's just wait and see, shall we?
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